STORY: "Tentacles...And Why Are You Prudent, Stan?"

[[The following text was originally written in 2012]]

This is dedicated to everyone with a noggin and more specifically Glenn Ohman. If you are tagged, that means you are cool enough. Write your own story sometime, like when you're high, drunk, tired, on caffeine, bored...just write. This is an older one from my other Facebook account.

The. Stan standed with a quickstand on sand. Maria Bamshoot was British and had cotton stuffed in each nostril, her heavily lip-sticked lips puckered in disgust. The. Two gargantuan blue toads rested wearily on two stuffed coaches. It was a daisy chain of circus clowns from the 70's juggling robot babies. Two dropped to the ground. The. Two tutu-wearing girls named Tia ate meatloaf through a straw at the Captain Kangaroo cafe. It was a The kind of day.

Everywhere you looked, there was a The. There were so many The's that all the That's were getting booted out of town by the giant boot machine. Isn't that so Suessical? I thought so too, which is why I videotaped the whole thing with my 35mm camera and made it into a movie called "Date Night" starring Steve Carell and Barbados Tim. That movie made alot of caterpillar children laugh. And I'm glad I could've been a part of tit.

Barbados Tim was a man from Columbia, Washington who talked about Barbados so much he turned into a native and everyone forgot he had a full name. Started calling him that. He always wanted to travel to Jurassic Park, Canada to meet up with his nephew, but he never got around to it because he was a busy accountant for a shark and dolphin factory.

Sharks and Dolphins are the same thing, only Dolphins are the nice version and Sharks are mean. That's a fact, look it up. I learned it all in Preschool where it always smelled like one of the kids pooped their pants and probably did. Bunch of retards they were, running around dead in the eyes while I tried to connect with them but couldn't because I'm superior to the average Preschooler and always have been. One time this kid walked right out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles, stuck out his butt, and pointed to it beckoning the teacher to wipe him. I never would have done that, I had shame for crying out loud.

Bridge Tony was one of the teachers there. Bridge Tony and Stiff Tina. Stiff Tina was the other teacher, and she was tight as hell. She always wore spandex outfits. Bridge Tony was a older man with a beard who sounded like Burl Ives when he spoke. He had pepper hair and a warm smile. They used to read to us then go out back and fuck while we all slept. I used to have this clan going with the other kids, three boys. We were planning to overthrow the daycare teachers' and run the place ourselves. And we could've, but Stiff Tina caught on and sent us all to timeout one day and never let us out. We stayed there for years, watching Stiff Tina and Bridge Tony age over time, watching Stiff Tina turn into Loose Tina, all saggy and gross. When we reached the age of 18 they let us out and we went our separate ways.

So we were finally free, and each of us got a respective job at one of the many shops that lined the street of our main town. I worked at a video store for almost 2 years, and over that time I met one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Her name was Toast, and she was a professional superhero and dentist. She'd come in costume on some days to rent out some classic movies, and other days she'd come dressed as a dentist and order JAWS and any other film involving teeth. "Teeth" the movie hadn't come out yet, this was like 1993. But she was fantastic, she'd tell me all sorts of wonderful stories from her daily life, stories about her dad who fought in the Revolutionary war and her mother who was President Roosevelt's maid's daughter. She talked in a very peculiar manner, lisping and stumbling over other words. She'd mix up sounds, almost creating her own language. She said she was from Winnipeg but I had a feeling she was from Boston.

We fell in love, until one day she died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I started dating her identical twin sister. We hung out in the video store watching bad movies and eating ice cream. Toast's death was hard on both of us, but we were always there for each other. Her name was Bread, and like her sister, she was also a superhero. She'd up and run off and fly away every so often when her watch lit up. She knew where crime was at every second.

STORY: AND HIS NAME WAS...

[[Originally written 2014]]

And his name was Dennis Vader, he climbed the hills with his sword at the end credits the children applauded and their parents sat idly by waiting for the commotion to settle before they left the theater and went back to their homes like Bagley's dad who drove the family station wagon faster than anyone the boy had ever seen and whistled tunes over the roar of the radio as Mom fussed with her hair that resembled the catch of the day for a sailor at sea, his brother sitting by his side, a boy of 17 who had with him always his girlfriend wrapped around his shoulders whispering in his ear about the seedy things they did behind the bleachers in the school gymnasium with it's polished floors she had once tainted after a night of drunken partying by vomiting all over, and the principal came in and she was whisked away quicker than her boyfriend could comprehend and she was sentenced to menial tasks around the school while the others were forced to do the same and decided to co-form a special club of custodian teenagers who's first task was to annihilate those who oppressed them in any way, shape, or form, and that included Franny T. Wilkers, the school's nerdiest nerd who's father was the mayor and probably the worst in the entire town history, in fact once he had even passed a town bill that stated no persons under the age of 18 could consume fish products which lead to a complete town outcry and constant picketing which was finally halted when a drifter from the outback of Australia set everyone straight with his reasoning skills he had learned en route to America on a shuttle driven by one Drake Harring, a man with two faces and four arms, a child born of wedlock who ended up being the best damned shuttle driver around if you ask local gun shop owner Willber Bone Hawkins, who's daughter was Tiskerville's town whore, in fact she had been with everyone from Elvis to Marvin the Martian and she had legs which could wrap around a man twice before the rest of her even touched him, yes you heard me correct this is Stacy Hawkins we're talking, the girl who gave brave Johnny Fighter the clap and ruined his dreams of becoming an archeologist which he had dreamed about since he was a little girl in Saskatoon, before the operation which made him the man he is today, way back in 1976 on a cold dreary night Jane Fighter as he was called then approached the front desk and demanded the receptionist, "I want the best damned doctor in Saskatoon what can make me a real man!" to which the receptionist replied, "The best doctor you will find lies beyond the cavern of the Wild Ringabeast 40 miled west and 20 miles east," and sent the girl on her way, and little did she know this doctor of which the receptionist spoke was none other than Riley Shats and oh no, he was no doctor, but instead a mad scientist who had worked on many experiments focusing on the rather peculiar fusing of Ringabeast bodies to human heads and vice versa, in fact it was he who invented the term "vice versa" as a child as an easier way to say "the other way around" for which he was awarded an award of redundancy at the Award Awards Ceremony Ceremony in Rileyville, a town in which not only he but everyone around him was named Riley, man or woman, child or adult, and once he left he had his named changed to Ricky but was abruptly put to death upon entering a town where being named Ricky was against the law, and many Ricky's had tried entering to no avail as they were all shot in the head and their skulls prominently displayed on pikes in what was called the Head Garden, which by now has been long forgotten as buildings were put up in its place to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the town's existence, once of which being the bank which on it's first day was robbed by two men on horseback wearing Nixon masks and donning t-shirts bedazzled in jewels, which explains their nickname the "Jewel Twins", who we now know were actually two sisters exactly two years apart who were only stealing the money to support their dying mother, a woman of 100 years who had seen the town grow from one single building to a thriving community in her lifetime but had only began a family well into her old age, with a father who was too cowardly to stick around and raise the children and instead ran off and became Mario Lopez.